i was so happy to get off the shore for the weekend. i needed to get away, i had so much fun in Norfolk with a friend. Quenna is such a great person IMO, glad i finally got a ticket to see her, after all the delays and what not. the tropical storms didnt help matters on getting to Norfolk to see her. We ended up going to the Wave with what i consider a good friend, Bobby. It was nice to see him, i think he has done quite well with himself, and i noticed he lost some weight. Ya i want to go to norfolk once a month to see her and some friends, go to a club, and shop. It was cheap to take the greyhound only 53 bucks and in the same amount of time also , also got 15% off my next ticket. I really didnt want to leave norfolk because i miss it, the time with Quenna was very memoriable and i was glad that also another friend joined us at the Wave (bobby). Im such a puss i guess, ended up watching the moon on the way home, listened to BlutEngel - Ice Angel, I ended up crying because i didnt want to come home. I really miss it so much and i didnt want to leave Quenna. I ended up falling asleep on the bus and only getting 5 hrs sleep last night. well i need a good nite rest. I ended up wearing out Quenna too, im so hyper i wear people out
Ice Angel
I close my eyes Wish to sleep At night my dear, you look so sweet Ice Angel, why are you so cold?
Ice Angel, it doesn't matter what you said to me I feel the coldness of your I see the frozen light inside your face
One day, my love, it breaks my heart And I will not return, not return to you, my love Not return to all this pain, not return to all your love And after all I know, only my heart will live on
If someone cries for you, it doesn't matter what you do (It doesn't matter what I do) If someone cries for you, and every lie comes back to you (Every lie comes back to me) It's a parting with this moment, kiss your eyes with crystal lips (Kiss my eyes with crystal lips) I see the darkness inside your heart, there's no place for me to be (There's no place for you to be)
Currently looking for Sparing Partners for DAGORHIR.. If you intrested please Message me, IM or Myspace.
What is Dagorhir?
Dagorhir members make costumes, armor, and (safe) weapons for use in Dagorhir events. Dagorhir inspires historical research. Our members learn knowledge of arts and crafts as they build and create accessories to help them more fully enjoy the game. Members interact improvisationally with characters they develop and portray in a historic/fantasy setting.
Dagorhir is also a healthy outlet for aggression and frustration. Though Dagorhir is hard-hitting and physical, there is an emphasis is on safety. Dagorhir "weapons" are well padded to prevent injuries. Dagorhirs combat rules outline safe conduct for all of our members, and these rules are strictly enforced by the "Heralds" (referees). Within the rules, combatants may slam, wrestle, and even "kill" their opponents. In our civilized age this "weekend warfare" is a gratifying relief from the stresses and anxieties of everyday life.
So Tuesday night... me and 2 friends decide to drive out to Norfolk. The both wanted to go to DoomGloom at The Wave, so we went. I really needed to get out after my mother passing and one of my close Co-workers at Fresh Pride also died. My friends and I ended up at Casablanca Cafe (about 9pm) and they enjoyed it, I miss Hampton Roads area, there i meant some friends i have missed. Chris, Bobby, and Will was at the Cafe then Will followed us up to DoomGloom about 10am. Over all it was a Nice trip.. We got at my place about 5am. I had to be at work at 7am at Fresh Pride, all the tag work for our specials and weekly add. I ended up home about 3:30pm and ended up falling asleep in the living room and just got up at 2am. Meant some new people at DoomGloom, even tho i dont live in Norfolk anymore... Right now i need a shower and at least another 2 hrs sleep, it so hard to travel a total 4 hrs just to find a place were goths and dancing are. in some ways i wish i didnt take this promotion at Fresh Pride, because of the work hours... pretty much 6:30am-3pm Monday-Friday, weekends off and all the goth nights i want to go to are during the week. and the closest one is 2 hrs away. Overall, its been a last few days, had a close friend die Monday Night, meant some old and new friends, danced at the Wave, got some coffee at Casablanca cafe, and I miss it all. i feel like a caged animal over on the shore, music plays a big role for me and not finding a club/bar around here that plays what i like makes me pissed off. I need a shower
so occassionally i write these notes in my cellphone, mostly unrelated crap that strikes me at certain moments. so ill post em with just a date and just no time.
7/3/6 its good to know that im not attractive... something to know that i cant get a women to save my ass (is it like going after something unobtainable, unsurmountable, or untouchable i guess... stop looking of those around you, just wait for the right moment i guess)
7/8/6 I figured this isnt my crowd
7/8/6 am i incapable of fun? just find the right people
oh also a friend told me that i have this kind of motherly voice, intresting, its like the tone of my voice. i need to pay attention to it, like when giving out directions, ranting, and i guess it my because i have conviction in my voice?
my mother passed on Thursday the 29th of June.. Throat Cancer... stop breathing in her sleep... now in ICU at Shore Memorial.. The most caring and loving person i ever knew... I will truly miss her..
Mary Hicks 1959-2006 47 yrs old
Her and My father's Song:
Matchbox 20 - 3 AM She says it's cold outside and she hands me my raincoat She's always worried about things like that She says it's all gonna end and it might as well be my fault And she only sleeps when it's raining And she screams and her voice is straining
(Chorus) She says Baby It's 3 am I must be lonely When she says Baby Well I can't help but be scared of it all sometimes Says the rain's gonna wash away I believe it
She's got a little bit of something, God it's better than nothing And in her color portrait world she believes that she's got it all She swears the moon don't hang quite as high as it used to And she only sleeps when it's raining And she screams and her voice is straining (Chorus)
She believes that life is made up of all that you're used to And the clock on the wall has been stuck at three for days, and days She thinks that happiness is a mat that sits on her doorway But outside, it's stopped raining (Chorus)
I don't know if im socialible anymore. Seems no one is intrested in me, well women anyways. Sometimes I wish i were a women because it would be all the people coming to me. I'm shy and its hard for me to talk to any women. I don't know why, someone is meant for me. i don't know if its a girl or heaven forbid a guy. just that i know there is something out there for me. Maybe, I am suppose to be alone, incompatable with humanity or people in general. I know that I'm a goth but at times i wish i weren't. I've always had this dark side to me. I've always been drawn to the dark and the emptiness. I know that i cant change my personality so easy. Wishing i was more open, unlike the clam i am today.
You scored as Biting. When it comes to being kinky, your biggest turn on is biting. You love the ectasy of teeth sinking into your flesh, and are probably willing to return the favor. Sex just isn't sex without using your teeth.
Sometimes life throws things at you that you don’t know how to comprehend. Things that isn’t conceivable, unseen, and unexplained. Like you being starred at and you don’t fully know why. Judgment is being passed before fully understanding the situation and not seeing all sides of the fence. Not exploring all the options before proceeding on to the next era or project. People, even me, are plagued by taking the easy way out instead of trying, Taking shortcuts, quick gains, and fixes. I’ve just been so depressed lately because for some reason I feel alone even though I shouldn’t be. I have a group of friends, but I fell me being without transportation and the funds I don’t have the time or transportation to visit them. At the same time I feel like I’m the only one… that shares the same ideals and opinions. I only have like 3 friends that I consider on the same path as I am, that path to me is enlightenment. Taking all your views, ideas, and throwing them out to see different things. Things like spirits, auras, talking to animals, all the things that humanity doesn’t care to know or know how to seek anymore. Seeking such power in life has its consequences. Like a Jedi constantly seeking for power and like a Buddhist on a quest for enlightenment and knowledge. I want to b e the keeper of certain knowledge that the world has turned the other cheek to. The road to enlightenment can be found in looking in oneself and understanding one’s self. Just turn the lights out, put on a CD, ask yourself a few questions, and purge your thoughts. Like meditating, concentrate on a past event that has made you sad or feel sorrow, and from there it will release yourself from those inter demons which plagues you. Keep in mind that it may take many times to get rid of them all, but at one point you’ll purge them out of your mental file cabinet. It reminds me of the movie “, Bruce Almighty.” The point where the main character goes to his file cabinet and sees his so called “, Permanent Record.” That file cabinet will open just like that; unlock your subconscious, the memories that you didn’t even know that lie within you will just flood like dropping a poker deck on the floor. Those memories themselves will flow and allow you, in your mind, to do anything with them. Burn them, raze them, bury them so you will essential free yourself from the anguish, anger, sorrow, and madness. This may take a long time meditating to do, to release yourself from all these memories that plague you and in turn will make you a better person. That place you create in your head is a place where you wish to take yourself. It could be a field, a stream, anything you will or wish it to be. I, have this plains I created in my head which when I meditate I will go there. The plains are also a place where I try to put all my excess energy in. That energy that I draw from nature and my surroundings I put there. So, then when I bring these meditations and thought to that place, I will take that energy I have stored and release it into a wildfire that burns all these thoughts and memories that have hurt me or plague me. This wildfire also makes room for thoughts and energy that I wish to store and keep. It’s also a place where things would love to get into, like evil spirits, demons, demi-demons. And use that place against me, unlock those secrets I have sealed, or use my personal place to their advantage. At this point I know that I am strong, so most spirits don’t want to try to take me on, but the more I will advance, the more evil will be interested in me. The more power gained makes me a target. A target to more things that wish they could wield my power or try to take me over. To possess me, to become a tool to evil, and to do their bidding, I will lose my spirit and self if they succeed in taking me over. I will no longer in control of myself, I’m a big control freak. So, that’s not an option for me.
It's dark but why is it dark? Is it a darkness or an abyss that I created? Why does it have to be created instead of just being there?Why does this Darkness exist, does it exist because i allow it? Or does it exist just to exist? Why does it have to be dark? Why cant it be white? Why not embrace the dark? Be inside it? Why do anything to fight the lure of the night, the darkness, and the unknown? Why do i struggle with the abyss when i should just use it as a tool? The feelings of sarrow, regret, or depression fallow me? Do i let it fallow me? The fact is i like solitude over groups and crowds my best work is done alone. I don't choose to best alone, distant, but sometimes I embrace the loneliness. I could be out and about but i choose to be alone because my best work is when there is no one around. No worries of people. In my eyes, people get in the way, the I DO things. Im setting writing which i hardly do (writing in a notepad) ... writing with a pen and paper instead of typing on a keyboard. I should just embrace the dark, the abyss, the loneliness, and the depression that fallows instead of wondering why i don't have a girlfriend or wonder why i'm not happy but me being alone in a sense makes me happy. Even me being around other people such as myself (people with same interest)... i find it hard to be open. I could be in a room full of cute Gothic women but i wouldn't know what to say or what to do, even tho most of us have the same interest. Because I'm a person that likes solitude and solstice. Since I'm like this its hard for me to open up to any one I don't know how to connect with humanity. To me, humanity is looking for fixes. Fixes, Fixers. Humanity cant just exist, it has to have a reason to exist. Always striving to be best. Evolution at what costs? Costs of loosing nature? Sometimes i wish i were a demon or a vampire, so i can just use humanity to better my own means. Use Humanity like they use each other so freely. Use, Back stab, manipulation, is what humanity does best. Why Associate myself with that piety nonsense? So what? I try to be better than them? Wouldn't be just as easy to become like the rest of humanity... uncaring, deceitful, and dishonorable? If the consequence to being a vampire is drinking blood and I like the taste of blood, is that really that bad? Is being a human a consequence? Consequence to live? To surround yourself with deceit? Why would a person want to surround themselves with that? Is it the fact that humans are trying to hard to explain, to know everything, and to be perfect?! The laws of Karma still apply to everything and everyone. They why is it most people get things handed to them? With money, relationships, and friendships? Humanity itself including me, see a lot of things as one sided. People in general don't try to see all sides of the fence. They would raither blind to the truth, if something happens that is negative.. some would never see the positive that came from that negative. Applies to every actions.
Ive been stuck on this song for awhile now.. one of the few FLA songs i enjoy
Frontline Assembly - Maniacal
We're gonna drop this song cause you don't belong you don't fit the mold so you've been told you need to play our game and just act the same cause we won't tolerate any other trait
Bang! I am maniacal Bang! so defiable Obliverate dominate self destruct and activate Bang! I am political Bang! so unequivable the name of the game is to win all the way
Pinned down to your chemical cross of hopeless faith what a day what a loss no one left to tell this tale of all of us life for sale
The clouds start to rise there is no surprise we all start to burn when will we learn who we are to be watch the enemy in you sights you see when will we be
Bang! I am maniacal Bang! So defiable Obliverate dominate selfdestruct and activate Bang! I am political Bang! So unequivable the name of the game is to win all the way
Pinned down to your chemical cross of hopeless faith what a day what a loss no one left to tell this tale of all of us life for sale
No one left to tell this tale of all of us life for sale
Bang! I am maniacal Bang! So defiable Obliverate dominate self destruct and activate Bang! I am political Bang! So unequivable the name of the game is to win all the way
Pinned down to your chemical cross of hopeless faith what a day what a loss no one left to tell this tale of all of us life for sale
also last night i danced to my theme song/favorite song of all time: check out my Blutengel site: http://www.blutengel.ws
Blutengel - Forever "Schmerzen sind noch spürbar, wenn die Lust bereits vergangen und vergessen ist."
"Sagt was ihr verlangt!"
I want you for my pleasure I need you to satisfy my lust I want you to be my companion I want you to fly with me through the night
We play this perverted game We are hunting in the night We kill for satisfaction And we need the blood
You have to serve me every night You will ever be my slave I want to serve you every night You will ever be my mistress
I kiss the blood from your burning lips I lick the blood from your shivering skin I give you eternal life That's will never tear us apart
You have to serve me every night You will ever be my slave I want to serve you every night You will ever be my mistress
"Sagt was ihr verlangt!"
In the coldness of your grave I hold you in my arms... forever I will give you eternal life... forever I will give you eternal fuse
In the coldness of your grave I hold you in my arms... forever I will give you eternal life... forever I will give you eternal fuse
I kiss the blood from your burning lips I lick the blood from your shivering skin I give you eternal life That's will never tear us apart
"Stellt euch die Lust vor dem Leben wiedergegeben zu werden, zu spüren wie ihr atmet, euer Herz rast und pumpt durch eure Venen...
had a great 6/6/06.. LOL. When to casablanca cafe and the wave, danced, had a drink, meet a women. Hopefully ill have a relationship soon :)) The crowd was excellent, new faces i havent seen before. which is a good thing, not many repeats of songs. right now imma tired, and giddy. i had enof courage to walk up to a women, introduce myself, give my LJ, my cell #, and myspace. hopefully something will materialize...
Shes cute, great dancer, overall from what i saw a good person. great fashion as well. i loved what she was wearing :))
damn find my picture from doom:gloom... good stuff but i looked like shit. lol. just some crazy shit were i am living, even tho i live with a women i feel like imma living with a straight guy... no consideration of others, well most guys dont have that consideration of others. so right now im not in the best of moods because i try to give the respect to my roommates and i dont get it back... so im about done right now.
went to doom gloom yet again. had fun, too bad my stress level is too high... haven't been sleeping or eating well. i need a better fucking job is all, a job were i work 40 hrs this 30 hr bullshit isn't working and neither the pay. in my eyes i know i can do better for myself, a better job and just in general. what gets me the most is I've been seeking a girlfriend for ages and its good to know that certain women look at me or stare. but for what?
I'm too scared to talk to anyone, I'm too quite of a person, I'm sick of being quite, its so hard for me to go out of the blue to someone i don't know and strike a conversation. it hard for me to be out of my shell even in this new area, i thought it would be easy to come out and to change my outlook or my thoughts but at the same time i don't know what is preventing me from getting to know people, to talk to others, and to find an "it" for me? I'm scared of being alone, without anyone close or around me to lend a helping hand.... i'm all alone right now, i don't have that many friends that live in the same area as me.
am i scared, right now... I'm scared because i feel like I'm going to alone in the dark abyss i have dug because I'm scared to let anyone it. am i that superficial that i seek acceptance? acceptance from others? Acceptance from the scene I am in? Currently i am also scared because my room mate had an emergency to take care of and she wont be back till Thursday night to pay some bills and then she has to go right back until next June 5.. ill have my bike by then but i feel i will have reluctance to leave it anywhere in fear of it being jacked.
I'm relying on taxis right now and that is eating at my fund age, i don't like to not have money.. and me not having money put a halt to everything i would like or need.
The best thing that happened to me was the fact that i had an Interview with Car Max today... even tho I'm banking everything on that job, i really need it!! i need to benefits and the fact i don't have my license yet or my car or even a back account, starts me at square one.. my transportation is gone till Monday, i am hoping i will have enough money till Friday to get me essentials...
25th wasnt such a good day... when to my freshpride #111 in norfolk, va. no wonder fresh pride cant keep help the dont want to pay you what you are worth, i was getting paid more over in my store on chincoteague... about 1 dollar more and i was working my way up to management as a Back Door Receiver. at a point i wish i didnt move, but at the same time i think i was being used and couldn't be myself there... its hard trying to get to know this area especially when i dont have the internet here yet or have the balls to take HRT and i need to get my Royce Union 21 speed here like NOW! i feel more comfortable biking. what i need if a fucking car! Imma not staying long at Freshpride because i know that im worth more even tho i liked my store i dont like this store in Norfolk, so i got apps for Harris Teeter and Farm Fresh... i know both are higher end stores, if i have to conform my look i will do it in a heart beat! i like the super market business, i like working with people and i love the line of work. in the long run i dont want to run on short term gains.. but i will have to move job to job til i find something that i enjoy. I have some certifications in computers that i need to put to work. i love music, maybe i should start searching for Record/Music Stores in the area.
this week was the first week i have been broke in 2 years, i dont like it. im not in control anymoreand it fucking scares me... right now im scared and depressed, imma going to cry.. im sorry but im a emotional person i dont fully know anyone, and sometimes i feel to shy to get. to meet or know people. also the fact i dont have the internet currently seems to slow my ass down. right now i feel alone, because my roomate and her friend ditched me and im setting at hom wlistening to music, with no internet, no cable, and just my computer+cellphone. lately people have seen me so headstrong but now alone setting here, i feel depressed, distant, and crying.
when all the emotions hit me.. i end up breaking myself and left to lean on my own shoulder, sometimes i feel like i really have no one to talk to, no one that truely knows me, or cares to understand me.. some times i am the one to blame, because it takes me like 6 months to fully call someone a friend, and im not a very open person and i suck being out in the open. im the loner, thats a name my native american tribe gave me, Lone Wolf.. and i really need to work on my people skills. or just surround myself with others that can help me with this personality flaw i think i have.
had fun, meant 2 people at doomgloom, had a drink, danced (tried) to to 4 songs lol... i didnt know half the stuff til i went home and looked on my computer and i was like damn "I have most of this music!" LOL.. , i have like 3000 MP3s time to sort them i guess :)) well maybe next week ill have time to meet more people, and to say "hi". i felt like i left in a rush, instead of sticking around and having a converstation, happens sorry :P. when the others want to go!
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discontent
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